An In-Between Place

There’s so much going on right now. Too much. I keep myself occupied by doing stupid little things that don’t add up to much of anything other than keep my mind from resting on any one particular thought at a time. I haven’t written in too long. Writing means I have to deal with things when I would rather not. I’m not excited about much of anything right now.

On a positive note, I’ve been weightlifting – I’m three weeks – almost four weeks into a basic powerlifting program which I love. It’s the one thing right now I look forward to. I’m 17 pounds lighter due to this “shred” my husband and I are doing. I like being on the shred. It’s not difficult. It’s so much easier to eat this way. I’m never hungry and I feel a ton better. I can see progress and improvement. That’s the good stuff.

It’s the other stuff of life that stinks right now. Health issues involving loved ones. I feel helpless. I hate feeling helpless. I can only do what I can but that’s not much. I’m involved in a lot of social stuff – political and school and right now I just want to back away from it all and be left alone. I want to retreat inside myself and shut out the world.

I’m tired. I look at pictures and read writing from several years ago and I don’t recognize that person anymore. I don’t know where she is or where she has gone. I miss her. I miss me.

My creativity has taken such a nose dive. The more political stuff I do, the more my creativity suffers. I hate this election season. I hate our choices. We don’t really have a choice at all. I am sick of the posturing and the nastiness.
I just want it to be over. It is no longer any fun. I feel like the only reason I do some of this stuff is to please people and frankly, I am sick to death of trying to please others. You can’t please everyone and even if you walk on fire, someone out there is still going to find fault. I’m sick of giving a damn.

I can’t remember the last time I had fun. And that’s just not any good.

2 thoughts on “An In-Between Place

  1. I’m sorry things aren’t feeling sparkly wonderful for you right now. But kudos to you for understanding that an underlying cause is taking on what no longer feels good to you – doing things to please others. That’s a hard one to break certainly, and yet you can see all the ways it rubs on you and drains you, and knowing it really is the first step to changing things isn’t it?

    Congrats on the weightlifting. I actually had to look up the shred diet – I was clueless. Glad that’s working for you as well.

    My wish for you is that autumn brings you back to your writing, your creativity, and you’re feeling better!

  2. Hi Deborah. I’m sorry I’m so late in responding. It’s so good to hear from you. I’m hoping that once I get away from all this external stuff that I can get back to writing and blogging. It feels like such a long time since I have been able to do that and enjoy my friends’ writing. I hope you are well! Hugs and thank you for the kind words – as alway – much appreciated.

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