#Reverb15 – Day 11: Of Atoms and Stories

Muriel Rukeyser once wrote: “The Universe is made of stories, not of atoms.”And I could not agree more. Our stories are our own but, in sharing them, they become universal. And timeless.

What stories touched you this year? Which stories of your own are you glad you shared?
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I fear this post may come across as rather selfish.
So many stories touched me this year. But I have to confess that nothing touched me more than the stories of family and friends – other women who have had miscarriages.

I was about six or seven weeks pregnant this past September when I miscarried our baby.

It was like being sucked underwater by an overpowering current with no means to catch my breathe.  I know I wasn’t that far along but we wanted this second child so much. As with AnneShirley, I connected straight away with the baby and was talking to it constantly. We had already decided on names: Marilla for a girl and Hunter for a boy.

We shared on Facebook – as soon as we found out – that we were pregnant. And also, as with AnneShirley – I knew very quickly that I was pregnant. We were beyond excited and anyone who knows me knows I am not one to sit on news – especially when it is something I am ecstatic about. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I always have.

And then this happened.

I felt the only way was to address it head on – but not for some altruistic reason. I simply could not bear the thought of other people believing I was going to have a baby – happy and excited for us while I was living in this nightmare reality where my baby was gone and would never be. I had to get everyone on the same page so as to avoid the – “when are you due or how is the pregnancy going” questions.

It sounds dreadful when I write this but it is the truth.

So I posted on Facebook what happened. I asked that no one post that “this was God’s will” or “it is for the best”. I didn’t expect any response, I just wanted to let everyone know.

And then, my Facebook page was flooded with love. Private messages filled my Facebook message folder from friends, my former teachers, family – all women who have had miscarriages. They shared their painful stories. Friends thanked me for sharing because miscarriage is something people tend to shy away from talking about.

I was overwhelmed with so much love and support. I had no idea so many women have gone through this. It broke my heart to hear these stories. No woman should ever have to go through this. It is an experience that scars the soul for life.

It nearly broke me. But the stories – they helped me so very, very much. I did not feel so alone.

I’m glad I shared what happened. I still ache for my baby.  But sharing helped prevent me from retreating into my shell (as I sometimes do). It raised my own awareness about this sort of loss. I do believe it has and continues to help me heal.

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Reverb is a yearly writing challenge that takes place in December. Being the end of the year, it is the perfect time to reflect and think about all that we hold dear to us and to let go of those things that are weighing us down or holding us back. I hope you’ll join us as we share in this wonderful yearly ritual that has become so dear to so many – especially me.

3 thoughts on “#Reverb15 – Day 11: Of Atoms and Stories

  1. I think your story is imporant Tracy, and for a couple of reasons. First as you experienced firsthand, there is always such surprise when women find out that so many other women have experienced miscarriage. I’ve never quite been able to understand this – we are open about so many things and yet this important one is still clothed in shades of secrecy. It makes no sense to me that when so many of us experience such heart-wrenching pain that the way isn’t clearly lit to offer love and support for others who will undoubtedly experience the same. Perhaps the significant change will come now that we’re so widely connected through the internet – our stories can reaach so much further than before.

    The second thing is I’m really proud of you for asking for what you needed at the time you made your announcement. Really proud. This is very valuable role-modeling aside from an expression of healthy personal boundaries. And the fact is that what we need can morph and change as time moves along. I try to be really clear when I’m telling people things that have made my heart tender, the parameters of how I’d like them to respond – what I don’t want to hear as well as what I would welcome.

    Holding you in love Tracy.

  2. Tracy, thank you for sharing your story and your bravery then and now. I’m glad you were able to find the comfort you needed in the stories of others, and I have no doubt that’s exactly what they intended. Sending you many hugs!!!

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