Every once in a while, in the midst of hurt and sadness emerges an understanding about the situation that helps to clarify things and put it all into perspective. It does not exactly alleviate the pain but it is a source of comfort.
I’ve always been sort of a loner. I have a lot of friends but not one best friend. I never have. I was always the token friend – the one kept at the perimeter until needed, kind of like the pack of tissues one carries around in case they need it. It’s not a bad thing. I learned to accept it a long time ago. My mom is the same way. We are the ones who patch things up when other friends fight. We are the ones who are there to listen and lend a hand if need be. But we aren’t the first people go to unless they need something from us. We are often overlooked and taken for granted. It’s just the way it is. If you are the yes person – life is grand. You are loved! All is swell until you have to say no or can’t do something as planned. Then, you are dropped like a hot potato. So much for understanding, right?
Sometimes it isn’t the most wonderful position in which to be. Sometimes it downright sucks. It can be lonely and frustrating.
A recent situation is making me question a friendship and whether I care to continue with it or just walk away. Part of me thinks, the hell with them, I don’t need this. The other part of me says, it’s just the way things are. They aren’t exactly toxic, they are just lacking in the basic manners and social proprieties I was brought up with. This is who they are and they won’t change. Obviously they need to feel important and special or they would not feel threatened and act as they are acting.
What I realized here thought, is that people like my mom and I are the ones who are tough enough to handle it. We are the ones who can take it and not be broken by it. People have dumped their crap on us time and time again but we survive. We deal with it and move on. It doesn’t mean we aren’t hurt because after all, we are human. But it does mean we can handle situations that would be far more difficult on others. We stew for a moment and then we take a deep breath and go about our day focusing on things that are far more important. I would much rather be on the periphery – right where I am.
I know I am loved. I know that I love. I also know who I am and that makes me happy.