And that something, or rather someone, is me. Last week was not a good week. I was sick for much of it and sliding into a slight depression over the fact that there was no relief in sight. Then I got into a couple squabbles online with some dear friends and the whole thing – both tiffs – left me feeling dirty, disgusted with myself and horribly ashamed.
I let my passion for football and politics (separate conversations) get the best of me. For several years now, I’ve been quiet for the most part. I might dip my toes in once in a while and give my two cents, but I really tried to steer clear of any sort of sparring and political debate. It always seems to end with hurt feelings regardless how good one’s intentions are to keep it civil.
I am a passionate person. I am a person who likes to hear all sides of a story and who enjoys questioning and provoking discussion. Sometimes I like to prod the topic a little by making a statement that I know will get someone’s blood boiling. Mainly it is to get a reaction. That’s not good. I know that. Maybe it is because I yearn for an honest-to-goodness intellectual conversation with someone. But then a situation happens where feelings get hurt and things are said that makes me want to crawl into a hole and never engage again.
I’m apologizing. I’m saying I’m sorry for the part I played in the recent online arguments. I let my ego, my feelings, my “fingers-typing-before-I-think” get in the way of my rationality and common decency. It never should have happened. I’ve gotten so far away from the person I used to be. I look in the mirror and don’t recognize who I’ve become.
I have no excuse. I’ve lost perspective. The online arguments were a wake-up call I needed. Some loving friends commented that I’m haven’t been myself lately. There are a lot of things going on in my life. Lots of stress and a lot of personal soul searching. I’ve been questioning my faith for a long time now. For me, that feeling of being lost – apart from God – wreaks havoc on my soul. I’ve tried to turn away from it, but I can’t. It’s not me. I am and forever will be a Christian – a very, very flawed Christian, but a Christian nonetheless. The fog is lifting and I think I’m starting to get back to where I need to be. I have a long ways to go. I’m still a work in progress and always will be. But that’s okay. As long as the progress is forward and positive, I can handle that. 🙂