Something Has to Change

And that something, or rather someone, is me. Last week was not a good week. I was sick for much of it and sliding into a slight depression over the fact that there was no relief in sight. Then I got into a couple squabbles online with some dear friends and the whole thing – both tiffs – left me feeling dirty, disgusted with myself and horribly ashamed.

I let my passion for football and politics (separate conversations) get the best of me. For several years now, I’ve been quiet for the most part. I might dip my toes in once in a while and give my two cents, but I really tried to steer clear of any sort of sparring and political debate. It always seems to end with hurt feelings regardless how good one’s intentions are to keep it civil.

I am a passionate person. I am a person who likes to hear all sides of a story and who enjoys questioning and provoking discussion. Sometimes I like to prod the topic a little by making a statement that I know will get someone’s blood boiling. Mainly it is to get a reaction. That’s not good. I know that. Maybe it is because I yearn for an honest-to-goodness intellectual conversation with someone. But then a situation happens where feelings get hurt and things are said that makes me want to crawl into a hole and never engage again.

I’m apologizing. I’m saying I’m sorry for the part I played in the recent online arguments. I let my ego, my feelings, my “fingers-typing-before-I-think” get in the way of my rationality and common decency. It never should have happened. I’ve gotten so far away from the person I used to be. I look in the mirror and don’t recognize who I’ve become.

I have no excuse. I’ve lost perspective. The online arguments were a wake-up call I needed. Some loving friends commented that I’m haven’t been myself lately. There are a lot of things going on in my life. Lots of stress and a lot of personal soul searching. I’ve been questioning my faith for a long time now. For me, that feeling of being lost – apart from God – wreaks havoc on my soul. I’ve tried to turn away from it, but I can’t. It’s not me. I am and forever will be a Christian – a very, very flawed Christian, but a Christian nonetheless. The fog is lifting and I think I’m starting to get back to where I need to be. I have a long ways to go. I’m still a work in progress and always will be. But that’s okay. As long as the progress is forward and positive, I can handle that. šŸ™‚

0 thoughts on “Something Has to Change

  1. We can all get caught up in things we’re passionate about. It’s part of how our brains are wired. So try not to let that get you too much.

    I’m glad that you’ve found something that brings your peace and hope.

    Those are the most important things.

  2. I want to tell you, first and foremost, that we are friends. We are passionate about our beliefs and strong in our convictions. Part of the reason that I believe that we ARE all friends is that we recognize this in each other…fellow journeymen who are all struggling to be our true selves.

    For me, no apology is needed. I was more concerned that we had pushed too far, and perhaps made you feel that we didn’t respect your ideas. It had started as good-natured teasing and ramped up in a way that it shouldn’t have. For that, I owe you an apology.

    It seems that we all are floundering a bit. I know that I am. I sat down with my notebook the other night, intending to write a long-overdue blog post. I stopped and started so many times, too full of words to be able to arrange them into any semblence of a post.

    I am glad that you are gradually finding your way. I have a couple of ideas for projects that might be fun and provide some creative inspiration. I just need to sit down and map them out…that is my intention for this weekend.

    All my love to you, my dear friend.

    • I cannot wait to hear about your projects…and I agree about us being friends because we recognize our passions in each other. This has been a rough year. I am looking forward to reading a new blog post. Hugs.

  3. Id say no apology is needed but my feelings were really hurt. However, I was equally to blame for pushing back. It’s easy to do sometimes. So, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll gratefully accept your apology is you accept mine for likewise not being considerate and just stepping back when it was obvious you were having a bad day.

    I say this because if I truly believe that I am unable to control the behavior of others, but am able to control my own, by not controlling myself and pushing back when the signals were quite clear, I was equally wrong. Plus, by being all pouty and stuff (you know what I’m talking about) I behaved poorly myself.

    Deal?

  4. i think twitter is a really super difficult venue for intellectual conversations. facebook is a little better, but really – i think there’s a heat of the moment, fired up, immediate attitude on social media and debates ramp up into heated tornadoes (i saw the football one but truthfully did not even understand what was being discussed – so, this isn’t a comment on it specifically, at all). i have a lot of feelings much of the time on things said online and 90% of the time, i fight myself and bite my tongue because i have to recognize it won’t go anywhere good. it’s hard, it really is.

    i wrote recently too, about not recognizing who i am at this point. it’s really difficult to reconcile the past with the present and the potential future – it is. i’m glad to hear the fog is lifting for you, and i really hope it only continues to do so.

    • So true, Dominique. I hunger for intellectual conversation online because frankly there are only a few friends in my physical area that are interested in that sort of thing. Jess and I do have great intellectual debate and conversations but sometimes it is nice to reach out beyond the typical area. It’s hard. There is definitely that heat of the moment “thing” that can get out of control. It is really a challenge to bite the tongue. I’ve had to many times and good thing I did.

      I am still trying to catch up on my blog readings. Thank you so much, Dominique for commenting here. šŸ™‚

  5. Sweetie, I am glad you wrote this. I think you have turned the steering wheel good n’ hard and are on your way back (or forward) to a good place.

    I myself don’t like “spirited debate” online and will usually not participate in things like this (outside of RTing people who are funnier than I am). In person it’s a different story, but since I grew up with a lot of conflict I am still hesitant about it and avoid wading in. So in a way, you’re speaking a different language than me here. I think what matters is that the people who love you are people who love you like family, and that means understanding and forgiveness go with the territory.

    • Thanks, Kim…
      You, in large part, helped me with this. So thank you. Life is a work in progress and I will be so very happy and relieved when I am feeling like my “old self” again.
      Hugs.

  6. Tracy, this couldn’t have been easy to write and it took guts to hit “publish” and put it out there for people to see. I think the online community has been fraught with tension for a while now and it makes it particularly difficult to speak about issues without provoking someone somewhere (which bites because I feel like everyone should be able to speak about their passions – political or otherwise – with people even if they don’t necessarily agree.)

    We *will* find the right balance. It takes time and please know you’re not the only one finding your feet in all of this. We’ll get there in the end šŸ™‚

    • I agree with Stereo! This couldn’t have been an easy post to right, but it was brave and beautiful. If only Congress could take a page from your book! šŸ™‚

      Big hugs to you as you find the peace you are look for. I know you’ll find it, you always do.

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