Reflection

Time for Reflection

I haven’t felt like posting lately. It has been sporadic this month and I feel horrid about that. It’s December! It’s Reverb time! Reverb is what brought some very dear, dear people into my life last year and I cannot imagine my life without them!

So I feel tremendous guilt for not keeping up with the Reverb prompts. Those who picked up the mantle deserve a HUGE hug and thank you for putting in the time and effort.

Thank you! It has not gone unnoticed.

PLEASE know that.

I look back at this year and I shake my head. Gosh, it started out on such a high note. January is typically my month to read, read, read and fill my brain with new thoughts, ideas and information. I cram as much as I can into it and this last January that is exactly what I did! I felt enlightened, energized and ready to tackle 2011 with gusto!

I also picked up the kettlebell for the first time and felt instantly connected to it. You know how some people start running and BAZINGA! It is their “thing”! They take to it as though they were meant to all their life. Well, for me that is the kettlebell.

Then March hit. My dear husband started a new job and all of a sudden, WHAM! What was supposed to be an improvement – a good thing – was not. The year suddenly dropped away like a house atop an eroding cliff and crashed to the rocks below.

I let myself, my workouts, my creativity slide. I hit a wall on a personal level. I’m not sure depression is the right word – last year was the year for that. It’s a mixture of worry, anxiety, frustration, fear, fatigue…all of that.

I hate it.

I don’t want to feel this way. I want to be me. I want to be silly, jokey, laughy, dorkie me. The me with lots of energy and enthusiasm. The one who lifts others up when they are down.

Truth is the last few years I haven’t had the energy to be that or do that for anyone other than my own family. I’m having a hard enough time keeping myself “up” and my spirits high. I’ve let friendships slide. I’ve had to cut some of the toxic people out of my life – those who were emotional vampires and anxiety inducing. It’s difficult but necessary.

As for my writing. I feel no desire to write at this time. Maybe – hopefully that will change. I’m setting it aside indefinitely for now though. Perhaps taking that pressure off myself will help.

What are my expectations for 2012? I really don’t have any. I’m not into resolutions. I know what I would like to do. But we’ll have to see how it goes. I’m not willing to plan out my year. It doesn’t seem to work for me when I do that anyway. I need to take it one day at a time – one step at a time and just breathe. Just live. Just figure out where we are supposed to be.

Right now, I’d settle for a white Christmas. 😉

0 thoughts on “Reflection

  1. I have seen how valiantly you have struggled this year. I’m sure that the worry for Jess, and the unknowns in your life have taken their toll. If only there were some way to take some of that worry away; but, knowing how that works in my own life, I understand that it’s impossible to control.

    Here’s hoping that some of the worry loosens its grip this year. You are such a gift to me and to so many who have come to know you. We treasure the silly, jokey, dorky side of you.

    The writing, the inspiration you need will find you. I have no doubt.

    Here’s hoping you have a white Christmas…I couldn’t take it; but, knowing the enjoyment you would get fills me with smiles!

    • Thank you Brandee. We do have a white Christmas now! It is lovely and chilly and when I breathe in the fresh Winter air, I feel so alive! Things will get better, of that I am certain. I’m looking forward to the new year. And I’m eternally grateful for your friendship. Thank you for your support and love.

  2. For the record … I see the side of you that you’re feeling has gone MIA. I see it all the time. She is still there, even in the crappy moments. Don’t feel bad about feeling the crappiness–it happens to ALL of us.

    Second, thanks to you I have my word for 2012: BAZINGA!! That is freaking awesome.

    Third, I agree. It’s WAY too warm and rainy in Chicago … this is not Christmas weather. But I fear we have no one but ourselves (aka global warming) to blame.

    Fourth, no more apologies. 🙂 Your writing is so lovely ALWAYS, and everyone gets swamped this time of year. I think it’s really important, actually, to take time away from the computer to enjoy and celebrate and feast and be merry … we work all year for these few days with friends and family! 🙂

    Big Hugs!

    • Noel, I don’t know if you catch “Big Bang Theory” but that is where I got Bazinga! Sheldon says it all the time when he one ups someone. I love it! If you haven’t seen that show – it is drop dead hilarious! Thank you too for your support and love. I’m so blessed to call you friend.

  3. We have all been in these ruts – it’s such a nightmare. I’m so sorry you feel stuck – but I have full confidence once we kiss 2011 goodbye, 2012 will sparkle and shine for you. I just have a feeling. : ) Now keep praying for that snow, girlie!

    • Beth – we got our White Christmas!!!! I’m so happy! Thank you for your support and friendship! I look forward to posting and reading more of your words. Merry Christmas!

  4. I don’t usually read other people’s comments on a blog, I don’t want it to change what I feel. So If I repeat something somebody else says it is only because it is the truth and we both see it.

    So first let me say that if you feel a need for a break, then by all means that is exactly what you should do. I know you said indefinite, but I hope that you will find your way back here when the time is right for you. If the joy has evaporated from your writing then it certainly is what you need to do.

    We put so much pressure on ourselves to put out stuff, we feel that there are people waiting for our next piece and we need to placate them, (I say we because I feel this as well), but I think that is something we need to let go of in our own time. I had a hard year as well and struggled with finding a way to fight through it. I hope that this next year brings back to you the joy I remember from your reverb last year.

    I know I will continue to see you around the halls of twitter and hope to see you writing again, when the time and circumstance is right. If not, then I will still see you there, as I feel you are a friend now and can’t imagine not seeing you roaming those halls with the good cheer and friendly words that I have come to associate when I see your name scroll past my feed.

    Be well my friend and I will see you soon,

    Jason

    • Jason, my friend, thank you. Thank you thank you. I will be back. I am not going anywhere and I cannot tell you how much I appreciate your friendship and support. Things will get better for all of us. I have hope in that. Merry Christmas to you and many blessings for an awesome 2012. I hope only the very best for you! 😀

  5. Do you know, I really had no idea that things had been stressful for you as far back as March. You have been dealing with this for such a long time, your whole family has. I think you are a rockstar, and that is that.

    I know you know that I also have issues about writing, especially now that I have no schedule to follow. I think there is nothing better than to know that people will still be there to read what you have to say when you get back (even if it is five weeks later!!!). There is a weirdness about prompted writing, especially doing it in a group, a pressure that we put on ourselves that means we might be letting down ourselves or others if we don’t write. But, to synthesize what many people said on my first post last week, forced writing doesn’t make great writing. We all know when we have written something just to fill space and when we have written something that raises the bar. I can’t do the raise-the-bar stuff all the time, but I do want it to be most of what winds up being published. So I am telling myself: No pressure. None. I will write when I do. (I wonder where that advice came from? :P)

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