I haven’t felt like posting lately. It has been sporadic this month and I feel horrid about that. It’s December! It’s Reverb time! Reverb is what brought some very dear, dear people into my life last year and I cannot imagine my life without them!
So I feel tremendous guilt for not keeping up with the Reverb prompts. Those who picked up the mantle deserve a HUGE hug and thank you for putting in the time and effort.
Thank you! It has not gone unnoticed.
PLEASE know that.
I look back at this year and I shake my head. Gosh, it started out on such a high note. January is typically my month to read, read, read and fill my brain with new thoughts, ideas and information. I cram as much as I can into it and this last January that is exactly what I did! I felt enlightened, energized and ready to tackle 2011 with gusto!
I also picked up the kettlebell for the first time and felt instantly connected to it. You know how some people start running and BAZINGA! It is their “thing”! They take to it as though they were meant to all their life. Well, for me that is the kettlebell.
Then March hit. My dear husband started a new job and all of a sudden, WHAM! What was supposed to be an improvement – a good thing – was not. The year suddenly dropped away like a house atop an eroding cliff and crashed to the rocks below.
I let myself, my workouts, my creativity slide. I hit a wall on a personal level. I’m not sure depression is the right word – last year was the year for that. It’s a mixture of worry, anxiety, frustration, fear, fatigue…all of that.
I hate it.
I don’t want to feel this way. I want to be me. I want to be silly, jokey, laughy, dorkie me. The me with lots of energy and enthusiasm. The one who lifts others up when they are down.
Truth is the last few years I haven’t had the energy to be that or do that for anyone other than my own family. I’m having a hard enough time keeping myself “up” and my spirits high. I’ve let friendships slide. I’ve had to cut some of the toxic people out of my life – those who were emotional vampires and anxiety inducing. It’s difficult but necessary.
As for my writing. I feel no desire to write at this time. Maybe – hopefully that will change. I’m setting it aside indefinitely for now though. Perhaps taking that pressure off myself will help.
What are my expectations for 2012? I really don’t have any. I’m not into resolutions. I know what I would like to do. But we’ll have to see how it goes. I’m not willing to plan out my year. It doesn’t seem to work for me when I do that anyway. I need to take it one day at a time – one step at a time and just breathe. Just live. Just figure out where we are supposed to be.
Right now, I’d settle for a white Christmas. 😉