The Best Laid Schemes

“The best laid schemes of mice and men
Go often askew,
And leave us nothing but grief and pain,
For promised joy!”

~Excerpt from “To a Mouse,on Turning Her Up in Her Nest with the Plough” by Robert Burns

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That’s how life is, isn’t it? You can plan, you can plot, you can try to schedule your time, your projects, your life all you want but the truth is that we have very little control over the actualization of those plans. Life has a funny way of dashing the hour glass against the rocks, spilling our precious little sands of time until we waste even more of our time trying to pick up each and every grain in some frantic attempt to regain control.

That’s how I feel these days – like I have no control. This year started out on such a high note. I was full of hope, full of excitement, full of energy! And then around  March/April that energy started to seep away ever so slowly and no matter what I did to try to recharge or reclaim it, it was like trying to climb an icy hill wearing smooth-soled shoes. It doesn’t work and all you do is slide backward.

I’ve reached the point where overly happy people with their little “just be happy” or “choose to be happy” or “life is what you make it” sentiments make me want to vomit. I want to shake them by the shoulders and tell them to shut up and go away. It’s not always what you make it to be. It’s not always easy to just be happy. Life is not like that. Sometimes it is impossible to be joyous, happy, thankful or at peace. Sometimes life just sucks. Sometimes you have to just accept that fact and move on. The biggest thing is to realize it and then also realize that things CAN and WILL get better. Just not right away. Changes must be made, yes. But even change is sometimes hard to come by when you most need it. Sometimes the door to change is jammed. It is going to take some doing to get the door to budge.

In the meantime, we live. We breathe. We take it one flipping day at a time and we have faith that it won’t always be like this. It’s hard because yes, while I know there are countless others who have it much worse, whose struggles are far more serious than my own, I cannot live their life. I only know my own. I’m not saying I have it worse than anyone else. I’m not comparing. I am not trying to sound like “oh woe is me.” I’m simply stating how I feel at this very moment.

I can’t go into the details as to why I’m not sleeping or why I am feeling this way. It has not so much to do with me as it does with a loved one and simply my concern and worrying about them. As a family, we are tight. We are closer than ever. But when someone you love is stressed and hurting, it impacts you as well. And I am the queen of worry. I worry enough for everyone. I think that internally, the stress is affecting me and manifesting itself in the form of insomnia right now.

I haven’t been able to sleep for the last week and a half. Last night I did manage to get a fairly decent night sleep. Tonight, not so much. My heart feels like it is up in my throat. My heartbeat feels erratic at times – almost anxious – if that makes sense. I’m tired, so tired but I keep seeing flashes of light once in a while when I close my eyes. I have no idea what that is about. My workouts are sporadic. Right now the one thing that is helping is making Christmas cards with my pumpkin. We are having fun doing that while listening to Christmas music and watching Christmas movies. I want to put up the decorations early. I feel like we could use the inspiration.

Don’t get me wrong. I am thankful for my family and for the friends who are actually there for me – for us. I am blessed in so many ways. I do realize that.

I want happiness. I want joy. I want peace. I want for everything to be okay. And it will be. I know it. It’s going to take some time. I just hope it doesn’t take too long.


0 Replies to “The Best Laid Schemes”

  1. Tracy, there is so much truth to this: “In the meantime, we live. We breathe. We take it one flipping day at a time and we have faith that it won’t always be like this.” That is how I spent a lot of last year – hoping that it would get better. It always does and, until it does, we can create comfort and tenderness and extend some kindness to ourselves while we wait. I hope putting up the decorations and listening to music brings you the joy you anticipate. Know that across the world, soon enough, I will be listening to that music too and I’ll always be sending love.

  2. I empathize greatly with how you are feeling. I’ve come to the realization that happiness is not the goal for me. I experience profound joy, but not every day, and the “just be happy” theme doesn’t work for me. Wishing you peace and strength in the days ahead.

  3. Oh, Tracy … I hope you start feeling better. I know your plight very well. I’m the one who worries enough for everyone else, too. Not easy – or possible – to simply “turn off.” Hang in there. Your attitude is spot on: it will get better in time.

  4. I would love to give you an answer that would ease your worries. Unfortunately, you have it right–right now it’s your turn to struggle. (The Happy People of the world kinda give me the creeps.) Melissa has it right; your attitude is spot on, and I think that’s about the only thing there is to control in a situation like this one. I’m hoping that sleep finds its way to you soon and that the rest of your healing can build upon some good solid rest for you. And in the meantime, I’ll be thinking of you often.

  5. There is absolutely nothing worse than the worry we suffer over one that we love. I, like you, am a terrible worrier. I can drive myself to distraction with my over-developed imagination. Really, we should write this crap down, because it certainly could make a gazillion dollars as horror stories.

    My dear friend, these other wise ladies are right… sometimes the only thing for it is time. Doesn’t that just stink? The control freak in all of us refuses to acknowledge that we can’t create a perfect world. And so, we don’t sleep, we make ourselves sick and we pull away from those that care, afraid of being a burden. I’m here to say, and I’m sure every one of your friends feel the same, that we are here for you. Whether its simply to touch base through Twitter or FB, to read & comment, or to cheer you on through emails.

    I’m not going to sit here and write platitudes. We’re all worldly enough to know that there may be hard choices and changes coming. That said, I’m so glad that you have a loving partner and a sweet, funny little pumpkin. You are such a talented, creative, kind young woman, that I know that you will be ok. I hope that you know that you never have to apologize for expressing yourself honestly. This is YOUR space, and if not a place for honesty, what good is it?

    Know that you have many people in your corner. I think of you every day, ad I have the Queen of the Squirrels drawing on my whiteboard in front of me at work, and I use my Shakespeare insult mug every morning. I send a kind thought up for you and your loved ones each time my eyes land on them.

    Hugs to you, to Jess & to Miss Ann Shirley!

  6. First, this is so beautifully accurate: “Life has a funny way of dashing the hour glass against the rocks, spilling our precious little sands of time until we waste even more of our time trying to pick up each and every grain in some frantic attempt to regain control.”

    Second, you are right. Sometimes life just sucks. When I try to pretend that I’m happy when I’m not, I generally just end up feeling like I want to punch a random stranger for no good reason. I find it’s much better to do what you did and just say “this blows. No doubt about it.”

    Third, I hope you’ll be able to get some rest soon, and that the family member you mentioned is ok. Big hugs to you.

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