“The best laid schemes of mice and men
Go often askew,
And leave us nothing but grief and pain,
For promised joy!”
~Excerpt from “To a Mouse,on Turning Her Up in Her Nest with the Plough” by Robert Burns
That’s how life is, isn’t it? You can plan, you can plot, you can try to schedule your time, your projects, your life all you want but the truth is that we have very little control over the actualization of those plans. Life has a funny way of dashing the hour glass against the rocks, spilling our precious little sands of time until we waste even more of our time trying to pick up each and every grain in some frantic attempt to regain control.
That’s how I feel these days – like I have no control. This year started out on such a high note. I was full of hope, full of excitement, full of energy! And then around March/April that energy started to seep away ever so slowly and no matter what I did to try to recharge or reclaim it, it was like trying to climb an icy hill wearing smooth-soled shoes. It doesn’t work and all you do is slide backward.
I’ve reached the point where overly happy people with their little “just be happy” or “choose to be happy” or “life is what you make it” sentiments make me want to vomit. I want to shake them by the shoulders and tell them to shut up and go away. It’s not always what you make it to be. It’s not always easy to just be happy. Life is not like that. Sometimes it is impossible to be joyous, happy, thankful or at peace. Sometimes life just sucks. Sometimes you have to just accept that fact and move on. The biggest thing is to realize it and then also realize that things CAN and WILL get better. Just not right away. Changes must be made, yes. But even change is sometimes hard to come by when you most need it. Sometimes the door to change is jammed. It is going to take some doing to get the door to budge.
In the meantime, we live. We breathe. We take it one flipping day at a time and we have faith that it won’t always be like this. It’s hard because yes, while I know there are countless others who have it much worse, whose struggles are far more serious than my own, I cannot live their life. I only know my own. I’m not saying I have it worse than anyone else. I’m not comparing. I am not trying to sound like “oh woe is me.” I’m simply stating how I feel at this very moment.
I can’t go into the details as to why I’m not sleeping or why I am feeling this way. It has not so much to do with me as it does with a loved one and simply my concern and worrying about them. As a family, we are tight. We are closer than ever. But when someone you love is stressed and hurting, it impacts you as well. And I am the queen of worry. I worry enough for everyone. I think that internally, the stress is affecting me and manifesting itself in the form of insomnia right now.
I haven’t been able to sleep for the last week and a half. Last night I did manage to get a fairly decent night sleep. Tonight, not so much. My heart feels like it is up in my throat. My heartbeat feels erratic at times – almost anxious – if that makes sense. I’m tired, so tired but I keep seeing flashes of light once in a while when I close my eyes. I have no idea what that is about. My workouts are sporadic. Right now the one thing that is helping is making Christmas cards with my pumpkin. We are having fun doing that while listening to Christmas music and watching Christmas movies. I want to put up the decorations early. I feel like we could use the inspiration.
Don’t get me wrong. I am thankful for my family and for the friends who are actually there for me – for us. I am blessed in so many ways. I do realize that.
I want happiness. I want joy. I want peace. I want for everything to be okay. And it will be. I know it. It’s going to take some time. I just hope it doesn’t take too long.