I’m Too Scary – #trust30 Prompt

The other terror that scares us from self-trust is our consistency; a reverence for our past act or word, because the eyes of others have no other data for computing our orbit than our past acts, and we are loath to disappoint them. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Emerson says: “Always do what you are afraid to do.” What is ‘too scary’ to write about? Try doing it now.

(Author: Mary Jaksch)

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“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.” 
— Frank Herbert (Dune)

I love that quote. It sums up how we should attack that which prompts fear or anxiety within. “I will face my fear.” How often do we actually face our fears? How often do we actually heed that advice?

What is too scary for me to write about?  I’m not sure if there is a subject or topic that is too scary for me to address. I think it is more about allowing my writing, my truth, my ideas to take physical form for all to see. I think it is fear of rejection and criticism – which I have never been very good at. I take it too personally. Writing is, after all, a window – like our eyes – to the soul. At least for me it is. Especially my poetry.

The other issue is that I am a Christian and some of the things I write – need to write – might not seem very Christian. The last thing I want to do is to cause people to question my beliefs, my morals, my Christianity and yet, as an imperfect person and someone who is a writer, I must also remain true to myself and what I need to put out there. I hope that makes sense. Some things I write – especially that relating to my father, is not pretty. It is harsh and unforgiving. Not very Christian. I know. I try to forgive him. I feel rather numb where he is concerned and  yet there is that large part of me that despises him for robbing me of that oh so precious father/daughter relationship that I crave and have always wanted. In some ways I have forgiven him because I know he cannot be any different. It just “ain’t” gonna happen. So I forgive. But I do not, will not, must not and can not forget.

What I truly fear is myself. I fear that of which I am capable. I know I can do whatever it is I set my mind. That scares the crap out of me. So I back away from that constantly. Afraid it could take me away from my family, my comfortable surroundings and then people would see me – really see ME and then expectations would arise. Would I be able to meet them? Am I strong enough? Am I smart enough? Am I enough? Self doubt is so destructive. Because we allow it to sneak in and take up valuable space that could be and should be used for more important things.

What I need to do is get over that fear. I must face my fear. I must stop caring what others think and do what is right for me instead of constantly worrying and closing myself off. I keep writing about this. I keep saying all the right things but I also keep avoiding the actuality of it and activating that which I say. That also must stop. Only then will I reach my full potential.

And only then will I remain.

 

 

0 thoughts on “I’m Too Scary – #trust30 Prompt

  1. First, I love that quote. I am a huge fan of the Dune series, and this mantra has always stayed with me.

    You are very hard on yourself, when it comes to your dad. We do the best that we can, and then we simply try to do better. That is all that we can do. You are presented with reminders often, in the form of criticism and ugliness from your dad. I think that you are amazingly kind in trying keep that from overtaking you.

    Never be afraid of being judged for what you feel or what you write. As you say, you have to be true to yourself. Your actions and your kindness to others shine through, and we know that you are a good person. You are human, in the very best sense of the word.

    You have so much potential, and you set such high expectations for yourself. Give yourself a break. The rest will come.

    Hugs!

  2. You know, I’m really glad you wrote this. I don’t think the things you write about your father are unChristian–they show a struggle, sure, but struggles are what faith is supposed to help you through. Besides, forgiveness is a great ideal to reach for, but you’re human too and your human nature comes with emotions that can supersede teachings. If you don’t feel serenely forgiving all the time, well, heck, that’s not all your fault.

    I find these kinds of blog posts and prompts educational and intimidating. I think it’s wonderful that you confront yourself this way and work through the challenges you’re facing. Have you tried using the emotions that these posts dredge up directly into your fiction? (One of the reasons my blog is full of happygood stuff is because I tend to save my more emotional impulses for fiction instead of letting them out in personal writing like blog posts.) You seem to tap into turmoil and ambivalence remarkably well and you might find the creative writing juiced up if you fed it some of the ideas that these prompts are bringing out in you.

    Sorry about the epic comment. Bad Kim.

  3. Y’know, I hear ya about being afraid of what you could do. I live with the knowledge of what I am capable of front and center, not wanting to forget, get comfortable, let my guard against me down. Because when I do? I’m an animal and will destroy everything around me.

    So yeah, I get that.

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