What’s Wrong with Me?

This Was My Vision Board

This was my vision board until I destroyed it. I think it was last month. I took it down off the wall and ripped it up then tossed it into the garbage. This was my first vision board that I made in January or February of 2010.

Why did I destroy it? Because it was becoming more of a “collage” – just another picture hanging on the wall rather than a point of focus, contemplation and inspiration. And also because I was frustrated, down and feeling like a failure on several levels creatively. So rather than look at it any longer and realize that I have not taken my own advice and inspirations, I tore it down and threw it out thus removing the offending thing from my view.

Do I regret it? Not really. I did take pictures of it a while back so I have them still. But I think it is time for a new board with new inspirations, new goals, new ideals.

It’s true that I haven’t been writing. I haven’t felt like writing lately. It just hasn’t beckoned me. I’ve also been avoiding it and that is not good. I’m not sure why exactly. Lately I have been feeling stressed with a side of depression. Nothing like last year mind you, but it’s there lurking in the shadows, waiting for the right moment to seep in and set up camp. I’m fighting it the best I can and I’m doing a fairly decent job so far.

Or thought I was.

That was until my dad pulled some of his shenanigans again. It was just a letter but it was the subtext, his trademark subtext that is quite clear as though it were in sweeping bold print that is impossible to miss. I know better and I’m used to his hit and runs but it still blisters like hell. It’s taken me a couple weeks to get over. It’s like being sent out into a thick, impenetrable fog. I hate that feeling. I wish he’d leave me alone. If he can’t be a real father and be normal then just go away. It’s because of him I’ve constantly questioned my worth as a person and my intelligence. I’ve worked hard to get over that but it’s like going back to a high school reunion. All those old insecurities flare up like they’ve never left and leave you shaky and vulnerable. UGH!

I know the biggest issue is that I am LETTING this happen. I know that and I hate that. I need to get over it and get on with my life. I know that. I know that. Knowing and doing are two separate things. I know it and I need to DO it.

Big picture, what is my vision for myself? What is it I want to do? Doesn’t it seem like I’ve been over and over and over this countless times? It has! It’s getting old!

What’s wrong with me? Why do I continue down this dreadful path of self-doubt and disillusionment?

Three words: Because. I. Can.

Stupid. I know. But it is true.

I’ve erected this gigantic barricade and somehow I’m standing on both sides of it. There is the true self, the happy me – the me achieving my full potential on one side and then there is the self-doubting, self-loathing, lump of a me that is standing here on this side. Somehow I have to figure out how to break down that wall and merge into that other me – the happy, creatively successful one.

Some people tell me to write, just write. But as much as I love writing, that is not ALL I love to do. I have a myriad of interests from cooking, crocheting, sewing, painting, coding, composing music, kettlebells (which I hope to become a certified trainer-RKC someday), gardening and of course, spending time with my three-year-old. Writing is not all I do. It is part of me but not ALL of me. That does NOT mean I will never be published. I refuse to even think that. My problem is I like TOO many things. I have TOO many interests. You don’t even want to know the list of things I wanted to be growing up or the things I am STILL fascinated with and read all I can about.

It’s fun but it is also sort of a pain. What am I good at? What is my passion? What am I meant to do? Those are my daily questions.

Music used to be such a huge part of my life. At one time that was what I was known for. It was what everyone expected me to do with my life – study music and then teach and/perform. I had dreams of being the next Benny Goodman and having my own Big Band – playing Carnegie Hall and simply performing. I play Clarinet and piano and sing (not all at the same time, mind you!)

Along with writing, music was my life. Until my parents’ divorce and then that all came crashing down and I ran from it as far as I could…all the way out to Montana.  I miss music but the perfectionist in me cannot handle all the mistakes I make now as I try to get back my embouchure for playing the clarinet or reclaim my “limber” fingers when playing the piano. My vocals are still there but I don’t put them to use as I should. I am mad at myself for letting all that go. I made that decision ultimately and I regret it every day. Funny thing is I swore I would never be that person – that person who threw it all away. Ha. The last laugh is on me I guess.

I need to get a grip on myself and stop letting external forces invade my peace of mind. I wish I could quiet my mind so the muses could do their work. It’s like I won’t LET myself do this and THAT is what is SO ultimately and truly frustrating.

I wish I could duplicate this passion I have for kettlebells into my creative life. I would be creating and producing like a mad woman! And that would be amazing!

More than anything, I wish writing was like it was when I was younger – typing away on my old Royal typewriter – tucked up in my bedroom – oblivious to everything around me. Or when I was in college and on a steady and oh so fulfilling intellectual diet. I felt so alive and creatively “juiced” all the time.

I realize that it is a daily decision to feel one way or the other. It’s time I figure that out and put it to practice. I just have to do it and stop bitching about it.  I prefer to call it venting and organizing my thoughts. 🙂

Ultimately, I need to bury the past and just let it go or it will swallow me up. I can’t let that happen. I have to move on and make peace with it all finally. Then I will be able to move on.

0 thoughts on “What’s Wrong with Me?

  1. Such a brave post! I am so sorry to hear of your struggles with your father. Don’t be so hard on yourself about the feelings associated with him–it takes so much time to disentangle ourselves from old stories and learn to “detach with love” from those who can harm us. Be patient with yourself because you’re doing great!! I hope you feel that and that fog of depression lifts soon.

    Also, can i just say how much I loved this: “Or when I was in college and on a steady and oh so fulfilling intellectual diet.” That’s the perfect way to put it!!

  2. I can SO relate to this – you’re not alone! Creative people are often interested in a ton of wildly different things, which makes us feel like our efforts are all over the map. I’m going to point you in a very nerdy direction for help: David Allen’s book “Getting Things Done.” When I worked in corporate America, my firm made us all take a training with this guy to be more productive and focused. I was a scoffer really, but he’s good. I really learned how to focus, which is so hard. Good luck and keep trying every day… you’ll get where you want to be!!

    • Thanks for the suggestion, Melissa. I will definitely check that out! Anything that will help me focus would be nice! I appreciate your kind words. 🙂

  3. Oh, my friend. I am so sorry to hear of the struggles you have been facing. Family stress is the worst, because there is really no escape from it. I understand how quickly that can sap into the creative part of ourselves. I feel it, too.

    You are such an amazing person…so many talents. I feel a bit guilty that I’ve been one of those pushing you to “just write.” I guess that we all feel that we want more of you. Because all of these new friends we have made are so far apart, we relish every little bit of contact we get from each other. We look for something new from our friends because it is like peeking into the windows of each other’s lives.

    I love the idea of the vision board. I’ve never done one of those and it fascinates me. I can see, though, that after a while, it’s easy to miss the individual points that originally attract you.

    I look forward to each new venture you embark on…whether it’s writing, music, photography, cooking, etc. I already know what an amazing RKC instructor you would be, based on your passion & enjoyment of it!

    Hang in there, my dear friend. You will find your feet again…I have every confidence in you!

    • You have nothing to feel guilty about. No one does. I do this to myself. I’ll be fine. I just need to work through it. I’m so very thankful for the friendships I’ve made and am making online. You are all so incredibly supportive – something I don’t have among too many of my nearby friends. I treasure it.
      The vision board is a lot of fun. I have a second one I haven’t finished yet. I also have book on it too that is really good. It helps visualize that which we want and want to do. It does help. Thanks Brandee.

  4. This is a struggle so many people face. If it were easy to just make up our minds to live a particular way we would all do it. So you write about this as often as it strikes you, because we will be there to cheer you on for every step and stumble. Love to you!

  5. First I want to tell you that NOTHING is wrong with you. Absolutely nothing. We’ve all been there or at least *close* to there. Please know that you’re not alone and please know that this WILL pass. It will. Family…they can raise you up and utterly destroy you and it breaks my heart to know you’ve been experiencing turmoil when it comes to your father. You do NOT deserve any stress let alone stress from your own blood. These things can rob us of your joy and our creativity.

    I know you will come through this and I will be there as a shoulder and an ear if you need to vent some more. Massive hugs and so much love to you. ♥

    • I appreciate your support Onyi – more than you know. I do. It goes both ways, my friend. Hugs back and much love.

  6. Oh My Dear Twin…

    I know I have said it a hundred times, but you are an amazing person. I think having so much in you to give, makes it difficult to deal with the take you have to do in life. What I mean is this…you give and you give and you give, and you have so many talents to lend to the world. Unfortunately, as a person who gives to this world that is so underserving, you also have to take some of the crap that it dishes back though only you give wonder, amazement, and positivity to this world.
    Your Dad…yes, unfortunately he is the chief giver of crap, which I think is in some ways a jealousy on his part (and unfair). He sees in you so much of himself…the talents, the ability, but you also have the gumption to live your life and to do so fully with love and compassion! You are willing to give to the world without expecting back (praise, lavishment, kickbacks) as he does. Since family troubles are the worst kind, this is just unfortunate!!! But, I know, somewhere, and if only for your wonderful husband, and your dear three year old…you have the strength to do what you must! You will continue to make your impact, and break free to increase that impact! And you will explode upon the wqorld and it shall be amazed!!!!

    I have every bit of faith in you, and you know I am there for you!!!! ALWAYS!!!

    -Brat

  7. Dearest Tracy, it took me a while to comment on this post. I remember sending you Susannah Conway’s words on honesty in blogging, but it is Mary Oliver’s words that spring to mind right now. I, too, am inclined to think something is wrong with me when I cannot fall back into my old patterns, or into any patterns at all. I am preparing for a work trip that is looking to be more stressful than any I have ever been on, and what was I doing between 2 and 4 AM last night? Watching “Lipstick Jungle.” Yes, I was watching bad TV that is at least two years old at this point. And that is when Mary Oliver sprang to mind in response to both your post and my insomnai. There is nothing wrong with us. We simply need to “let the soft animal of our body love what it loves.” Sometimes it loves pen and paper, words, the internet. Sometimes it needs to dance. Sometimes it needs a Kettlebell or to go out there and chase flowers. Mary Oliver is showing me the way towards giving myself permission and carving out a little room for “perhaps nothing is wrong – perhaps I just need to be.”

    I love your photos, your words, you so much. Sending you hugs and sleep-deprived smiles from across the world.

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