I Worry. I Reflect. I Pray.

I want the strength of this tree. Today I feel anything but strong. I’m worried. I am sure all will be okay but my uncle is having heart surgery today and I’m worried. I always worry.

I’ve been a worrier since I was a wee child. I worried or should say worry most about those around me – that something would take them from me. I know I shouldn’t, as Christians we are old to worry not but that is easier said than done.

I grew up in Christian home. I was taught the Bible. I was taught the prayers. I learned that Jesus Christ died for my sins and that the only way to heaven is through accepting our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ into my heart. Which I did.

I always did as I was told.

I also grew up as a child with this constant fear that I wasn’t “saved enough”. I asked for forgiveness for every single little transgression no matter how tiny it was. I asked Jesus to save me every day for fear I would go to hell or miss the Rapture. I was around the ages of 7-9 when this sort of thing was going through my mind.

I know how I sound. I sound like I was some crazy, unstable child. I wasn’t. I’m not. I know better now. But as a child, I was always trying to please those around me – to do the right thing – to never ruffle the feathers of my father. Looking back, I’m thinking maybe he is responsible for ultimately making me feel like I was always in danger of slipping into the darkness away from God. I’m not trying to play the blame game. I’m just looking back and seeing things quite clearly right now or at least I think I am.

Am I saying that I am not a Christian of my own accord? No. But I have been on this journey trying to figure out what I think. What does Tracy believe? What do I really and truly hold up as truth? My truth? Does this make sense? I am just trying to be me. I’m 38, soon to be 39 and all these new thoughts, feelings, considerations and beliefs have been fluttering around inside me for the last several years.

I need to believe because I, Tracy, actually believe them for myself not because someone else brought me up in that system.

And as I wait to hear word how my uncle is doing, I find myself praying silently to God for his good health and recovery because praying to God just comes naturally to me – even after long lapses in communication with Him. I cling to Him without giving it any thought. It comforts me so and then I realize I DO have the strength of that tree. It is always there waiting for me to draw upon it. The worry isn’t quite so profound now as it melts into loving concern.

0 Replies to “I Worry. I Reflect. I Pray.”

  1. I think that faith is faith…it is what you turn to for comfort in times of trouble; and, you turn to faith when you are grateful for the good things that come your way.

    Each person’s faith is defined by their own experience, of course; but, it’s also shaped by the path we choose to take. You give it the power you need it to have in your life.

    Your faith shines through in the kindness that you show to others, and it the way that you reach out to all of us.

    I hope that you take comfort in that…it is a gift to you that you so kindly share will those of us around you.

    We’re thinking of you and your uncle as he faces this health battle.

    Brandee

  2. Oh Tracy. Just know that I am holding your hand from afar. We grew the same, in Christian households and struggled with issues of faith. Sometimes I still do and wonder a lot of the time whether or not I am alone in it. But I am finding my feet in God and knowing that the pressure I place on myself is both unwarranted and harmful. Tracy, my friend, you and your uncle are in my prayers. I adore you ♥

  3. …we both believe and disbelieve a hundred times an hour, which keeps believing nimble.” -Emily Dickinson

    Here she shows that doubt can refine one’s faith. What a beautiful picture. If you never disbelieved, how could your faith withstand trials?

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