There Are Just Some Things…

…I’ll never understand.  On one hand, I hate change.  On the other hand I love change, that is when it comes to rearranging my living room, my kitchen, changing my hair or my blog. It doesn’t really make sense, I know. Maybe the desire to make small changes is my way of compensating for my inability or rather, my reluctance to make big changes in my life?

I’m reading The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown, Ph.D.. Something she wrote about – which she referred to as “life paralysis” -the idea that we miss out on certain opportunities in our life because of the fear of imperfection, disappointing others, failing and or making mistakes, really resonated with me –  in the same way Sir Ken Robinson’s book, “The Element” hit me right between the eyes.  It’s true. I have been paralyzed in the way I live my life.  I know all the things I can do – all the things of which I’m capable – but it is the actuality of carrying them out, bringing my dreams to fruition, that escape me and only because I ALLOW them to.

I do have dreams. I do have goals. I do have aspirations and ambition. But I lack follow through. I lack initiative. Why? Because I. AM. AFRAID.  I don’t know how to get over this fear. It is so ingrained in me. I know it is possible to overcome. I know that. But accepting that is another story.  I have to make a change. I have to conquer that fear and erase it. I have to get out there and make my dreams come true. (Great, now I have the theme song from Laverne & Shirley playing in my head…not that that is a bad thing as I really like that show…)

I’m 38 years old. I’ve come by everything LATER in my life – college, my marriage, my child…so I do know it isn’t too late. It’s never too late. I take comfort in that but at some point I have to get off my backside and stop being comfortable and put myself out there – whether I fail or not, whether others like what I do or me or not. I have to finally be able to stand tall and say, WHO CARES?

I’ll let you know when I get to that point. I am working on it. Baby steps. Baby steps.

0 thoughts on “There Are Just Some Things…

  1. “I. AM. AFRAID. ”

    Me too.

    I try to tell myself that’s just part of being alive. Hearing you say it out loud makes me feel good, so I hope you hearing me say it does the same for you.

    (Did that make sense?)

  2. Brave post, Tracy. And you know it’s alright to be afraid as long as we recognise it and take active steps to overcome it. Being scared is human, we just have to do our level best not to let it cripple us.

  3. This is awesome. Although it’s surprising, too–I got the impression that your new kettlebell routine is a change for you, and one that you undertook by your own steam. (It’s certainly one hell of a baby step.)

    Oh, and I’m afraid of everything. I don’t actually have great big dreams, but even my little ones require some effort, and it’s all effort that I can’t get anyone else to make for me. I fixate on every small positive result, every few pages done or, you know, whatever small step. Everything counts.

    • Hey Kim, you are correct, the kettlebell is a new routine for me and yes, I did take it under my own steam. I don’t consider that a big step as I have been working out a lot in the past. I stopped for the last half of 2010 – not completely but enough to the point where I just didn’t care if I worked out or not. I ran on the treadmill and also weightlifted and did steps…but all the “stuff” that happened in 2010 sort of derailed me in all aspects of my life. The kettlebell has definitely been a great way to get me back on the right road fitness, energy and attitude-wise. I will say that.
      Fear-wise, I have been to the point where I didn’t like leaving the house and being out in public. Not that I was afraid of people but just more comfortable staying home. I can stay home for weeks and not leave the house and be fine with that – but that is also from my years working up in the Bob Marshall Wilderness. I was 30 miles back in the wilderness by horseback and didn’t come out very much the entire three plus months I was up there. No power, no roads…
      I’m right there with you. Thanks for the comments! We’ll support each other and scare fear away. 🙂

  4. Chiming in to the afraid chorus. I am also afraid and hesitant and too cautious to the point of self-defeating, particularly when it comes to dreaming. But that is the beauty of dreams: you can dream big and, once you whisper them out loud, you can begin to live in them.

    Thank you for this beautiful post.

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