Writing

Throughout the month of December, I will be taking part in a 31-day writing challenge called Reverb 10.  It is an annual event to look back and reflect on the last year and consider the potential of the approaching new year.  Each day, I will respond to a writing prompt – 31 of them – in hopes of sparking a positive energy flow that will continue into and throughout 2011.

December 2 – Writing.
What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it?
(Author: Leo Babauta)

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I do far too many things that contribute to me NOT writing.  That is the problem.  I am a procrastinator, a self-saboteur, if you will. I love to write. I have always been writing, be it poems, stories, essays…  I need to write in order to clarify my life troubles.  It grounds me, it heals me, it comforts me. And yet, I treat it much as someone treats their clothing at the end of the day as they dress for bed, discarding their garments into the hamper for washing.  I don’t revere my writing or honor it as much as it honors me and that is just sad.

I’m a mom to a three-year-old girl and wife to my college sweetheart.  I am a stay-at-home-mom.  I cook, I clean, I spend way too much time surfing the net.  Part of that is avoidance. I know that.  I also worry that I’m not spending enough time with my daughter if I write.  Am I a good enough mom? Am I a bad mom for wanting to write – for sitting down and working when I should be spending valuable time with her?  I feel guilt.  I have good intentions of writing but they fall by the wayside… I play World of Warcraft – mindless hours of a game that gives me a bit of an escape from time to time.  Time when I could be writing.

I have no one to blame but myself. I know that. I admit it.  Part of me is afraid of what writing – what truly and sincerely sitting down and writing could mean.

I am afraid.

I am afraid.

I. Am. Afraid.

Yes, I can eliminate that fear.  I must confront it and tell it that it has no place in my life – that my writing is the one way I remain the truest to myself and to fear it is to deny who I a truly am – a writer.

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