What Am I Moving Towards?

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Honestly? I have no idea. Right now, I feel like I am standing still.  I haven’t been moving toward something in a very long time.  It seems like I have been moving away or just standing still.  It’s not just the fact that I haven’t been writing.  It’s everything. I haven’t been working out or running, I haven’t been very social, I’ve just sort of “checked out”.  I’m not talking about checking out on my family. I haven’t done that.  It’s just when it comes to my creative side or the intrinsically “me” side of things.

I have realized that  since I moved my desk and iMac downstairs -a few weeks ago…can’t remember the exact date – my productivity took a humungous nosedive.  I just don’t go downstairs unless my husband is home working on his computer, which is downstairs. Downstairs we have the family room with our projector screen, my treadmill and our computers as well as our toddler’s toys (some of them).  It’s not a bad place to be, I just don’t really think about going down there during the day.  It’s slightly chilly down there, I have to lug all my research and stuff for our daughter forth and back whenever we decide to go down there during the day and frankly, as silly as it sounds, it is a hassle.

Isn’t this just truly pathetic?  Yes, I have my laptop but let’s be honest, I love my iMac and it is easier for me to see what I am doing on it.  It sounds like an excuse for avoidance and maybe it is.  I just know that when I have my desk, my iMac and the rest of my setup – upstairs, I get more accomplished…as little as that is.  As much as I love being downstairs with my husband (his computer is down there), he is only really home at night and some weekends while I am home all the time.  It is just easier to be upstairs.

So, Monday night, we moved my stuff back upstairs.  I’ll still go downstairs when he’s home.  It’s just better for me when I have my work center where I am most of the time – upstairs.

The other part of my life where I feel I have “checked out” is the female side of me – or the part of me who used to dress differently.  I’ve fallen into the “throw on whatever is loose and comfortable” mode and I’m tired of it.

So now, I’ve been slowly rebuilding my wardrobe.  I have been trying forever to get back to a certain weight – a certain size.  But it seems that no matter how bloody hard I work out, how well I eat, whatever I do, I cannot get to where I want to be.  My doctor scolds me – tells me I am healthy and that is what matters.  I am not out of shape. I can run, I can hike for miles and miles and not tire.  I don’t get out of breath doing things.  But I am not skinny.  I never have been.  I am what my doctor calls, “peasant stock”.  Meaning I have the sort of body that could live for weeks in starvation conditions – beyond what many others could withstand, because my body is muscular and holds on to its mass.  I’m sturdy.  His words, not mine.

Seriously, I do eat healthy – I cook healthy.  I’m very well versed in what is good for us and what isn’t and follow it the best I can.  I have an occasional treat – who doesn’t?  But I always try to watch my intake.  I do workout regularly – not so much the last few weeks but normally, I do.  Sometimes I work out twice a day. I push myself yet it never seems like it is enough.  I don’t know what else to do.  I’m tired of it.

I got rid of a bunch of clothing a while back because I thought that I would work towards a new wardrobe when I got to the appropriate weight.  You know what? That’s not happening.  I’m so tired.  I’m tired of waiting for tomorrow and not living in the now – living today.  So I started rebuilding my wardrobe.  I am buying clothes that fit me now.  I am buying clothes I like.  I am going to like myself and I am going to appreciate my health and not try to fit into some frakking mold that society deems “perfect” or beautiful.

This does not mean I am giving up on eating healthy or working out. I have taken a break from working out for the last few weeks, but I have no intention of that continuing.  I am going to focus on living to my healthiest.  I am going to look good doing it.  I feel frumpy and ugly most of the time.  My pants are fraying on the hem.  My shirts are all Under Armour and I’m tired of it.  I haven’t been impressed with the clothing styles or choices the last few years but now, long sweaters and sweater vests are back (I couldn’t be happier).   I bought some new turtlenecks (my favorite type of shirt), some sweater vests, cardigans, and blouses – oh and some scarves!  I am going to live in the now.  If I lose weight, great.  If I don’t but I am still healthy then so be it.  I want to be a good role model for my child – a healthy and happy role model.  And I just want to feel good about myself and not feel frumpy.  I know this sounds too self-involved perhaps.  I don’t mean to.  And maybe it is not really addressing what is wrong at the core of the matter.  I don’t know.  I’m continually standing in my own way and I just need to step aside!

You know, I feel like a broken record but the truth is, I started out this year on a high note.  And then, I let ONE person – one person’s anger and pain which she directed at me when I tried to help her – derail me.  I have had the hardest time getting over it!  I know I should be long passed it.  But I don’t think I am.  It’s made me doubt myself. It’s made me doubt my ability.  I was considering studying to become a Creativity Coach and when I couldn’t help someone I sincerely wanted to help – when she just unleashed all her pent up anger on me, I disintegrated.  How can I expect to truly help someone?  Can I?  Should I even try?

Wow, this is a long post.  I’m so sick of my personal belly-aching as I am certain you are too.  I apologize.  I just need to get it out.  I need to vent – to try to figure out how to get back on track.  And, I will.  I will.  First step – move computer back upstairs.  Check.  Second step, write.  I’m working on that.  The rest will come.  As long as I am moving towards something, I’ll be fine.

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