I need to write something. I must write something. That’s what I’ve been telling myself every single day and yet, I haven’t been writing. I haven’t been doing much of anything.
I just haven’t felt like it. Part of it is the nice weather we were having – heavy emphasis on the word “were” since we woke up to several inches of fresh fallen snow yesterday morning and temperatures in the 30’s. It’s gone now, thank goodness.
I’ve been outside more and I have also been trying to catch up on housework. Maybe I’m creatively finding ways to not be creative. Part of it is that I am just distracted. Now, we have a bit of a family issue where someone near and dear to us is very ill. We need to see them. They live several states away and we haven’t seen them in more than two years. It is imperative we see them soon. That is weighing heavily on my mind right now. The thing is that the way I deal with my emotions is through my writing. So I know that at some point, I am going to have no choice but to sit and write or else my mind will explode.
What have I been thinking of lately? I’m thinking that we squander time. We don’t appreciate our loved ones and the people around us until it is too late. We don’t stop to inhale the delicate fragrances wafting through the air every spring. We just don’t do enough to live “in” the moment and revel in all that is here and now. Then, it is too late and we cannot get those moments back. This happens repeatedly throughout our lives but it seems as though we never learn. We keep doing the same things, acting the same way because it is our nature, I guess.
I think about my own grandma – my mom’s mom. We were so close. I was a Grandma’s girl through and through. I would play sick just to stay home from school so I could stay with Grandma. One reason was I absolutely LOVED being with her. Sure, I loved my mom and dad, but Grandma’s are extra special and since I was the only grandchild, I was spoiled rotten (in a good way). I also thought that as long as I was there with her, nothing bad could happen to her. As a young child of eight/nine years old, I was constantly worried that something would happen to Grandma. I remember staying with her when my parents were away and looking back, I believe she suffered from undiagnosed Sleep Apnea as she would stop breathing for what seemed like an eternity. I would get out of bed and stand in her doorway waiting for her to start breathing again. Once I was reassured she was okay, I would slip back into my bed. I prayed while waiting for the bus that nothing would happen to her while I was at school, that God would watch over her and keep her safe until I returned home. Yes, I was very much a worry-wart as a child. It’s not my parents’ fault. It’s just how I was and still am to this day. I worry about everyone. I worry how my words affect others. I feel pain emanating off others. I have been called an emotional barometer and for good reason.
I pray my children don’t have the same worries and concerns I had as a child. I want them to be carefree, yet caring but not to the point where they pray themselves sick over it.
When I entered my teens, I stopped spending as much time with Grandma. I had other interests, as teens often do. She had a stroke one New Year’s Eve and died the following May. I was fifteen, she was 91. I wish I could go back and spend more time with her. I used to have a recurring dream that every Christmas for just ONE hour, she would come back to us. It was so wonderful and so real that when I woke up, I was devastated that it was just a dream. I think about her every day. I miss her more than words can possibly convey.
This is what I am thinking about right now as we pray and hope that our loved one will get better. And while I know it is not the quantity of time but rather the quality of time we have with our loved ones, I still wish there wasn’t that inevitable end where we must all part ways at some point in time. Still I am encouraged and cling to the fact that someday, I will get to see my loved ones again. For me life would seem utterly pointless if I thought otherwise.